So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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