did you get engaged???
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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