i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
