The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
