Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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