It's like God shit irony all over that family
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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