Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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