I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
