the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Randomize
