Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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