Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
FUCK WHALES
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