when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
