It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just saw a hot homeless man
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
