My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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