I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
