he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
