This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
