The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
