Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
