Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
