Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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