I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
