I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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