Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
