He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
