I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
