i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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