i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
