I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
How does it feel to date your dad?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
