Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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