no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
