Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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