I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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