i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
It's blow job season.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
