I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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