I cut my penus on the lid.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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