I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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