I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
