whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
pop tarts are not kleenex
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
