So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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