Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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