i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
