I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
