i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
