mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
