the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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