... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
