She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
