god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
