why didn't you poke me back
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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