Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
